gems

conceptual — Sat, 17 Jun 2006 22:25:52 +0000

two gems i've heard recently that i would like to remember:

+ it's never too late to have a happy childhood

+ yesterday is what it was because today is what it is

(as opposed to "today is what it is because yesterday is what it was")

big suffering

conceptual — Sat, 20 May 2006 19:01:57 +0000

i said, "it's ok; i love big heartbreak."

and he said, "i don't understand."

"it's the biggest feeling you can have. it's the biggest suffering. you don't understand because you don't understand art."

self-damage

conceptual — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 12:01:09 +0000

have you ever woken up tired of the usual ways to damage yourself? searching for a particular feeling that isn't exactly the one you get from drunkenness, or cutting yourself with a razor, or that little rush you get from vomiting, or the mania you feel from over-the-counter trucker pills? you might have felt it once before in extreme heartbreak, or maybe when you vulnerably let yourself believe in the holy spirit, or maybe in that moment when you were sure someone was about to punch you in the face and you knew you deserved it. it's never the moment you're hit, is it? it's the moment right before.

i am searching for something – something that is not sterile and not pleasant and not what tv moms are living. i want to feel it strongly, and sometimes i have this sneaking suspicion that it is buried inside something masked as "nice" — like maybe it's at church or at yoga class or somewhere deep inside the suburbs. BUT it is the exact opposite of the suburbs, because living in the suburbs is what makes me think i need it. does that make any sense?

maybe it can experienced from dream travel. maybe i can experience something that is so beyond what i've ever experienced by tapping into someone else's dreams. maybe there are a thousand units of hurt somewhere, trapped in a broken person's dream, that i can have because i need it, and in turn i can take it from the person who is bound by it. do you think that's possible?

are you wondering why i want a thousand units of hurt? maybe it's because i've been too lucky, and my life has become too average and boring. maybe it's because i've had a taste of a thousand units of hurt before and it was somehow refreshing and fulfilling but never quite enough. maybe it's what i need for the world to balance out. and also, here's what is pasted on my fridge:

Within every adversity is an equal or greater benefit.
Within every problem is an opportunity.
Even in the knocks of life, we can find great gifts.

what happens when i create adversity in my life? does that multiply my benefits and gifts? what a good experiment, right? what is life for if not experimenting on your own life?